Rejection and Failure

I’m told all the time by people on the internet how beautiful or pretty I am. I do not believe it. I have filters, and makeup, and good angles all to help create the illusion of beauty. That’s all they’re seeing, right? Or is there really more there that I can’t see?

What’s worse is what happens when I start to believe them? What if they’re wrong but I start believing the compliments I’m given? I think that is the hardest part about being a trans woman: Getting glimpses of yourself, your true self, and really starting to let you be you then to only have it yanked away again.

As I progress further into my transition from male to female, my highs are higher but my lows are lower. And the false sense of security gained from very delicate confidence is often shattered. Living behind the false male persona for so long has made being myself very difficult. Nothing really mattered before because I was never failing, I was never being rejected, the false persona I wore like a shield failed, not me. Having to deal with rejection and failure as myself for the first time as someone who is nearly 30 years old is not easy to do.

Most people deal with the terrible parts of life much earlier and develop their own coping mechanisms long before reaching my age. I’m a 29 year old woman with the emotional fragility of a 13 year old girl.

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